I have been reading several books on adultery recovery and divorce as well as hearing stories in support group. Everyone seems to have similar experiences with the ups and downs of their emotions. I have to say, it feels like a roller coaster ride. Especially, when he is just as confused and cannot seem to make up his mind about anything either. It seems like we come to some kind of, I don't know, something, and then it all changes. What an emotional disaster when you have two very confused people that love each other so deeply. So I cry. I am surprised I am not dehydrated by now! Maybe if I become dehydrated I can have some relief from the uncontrollable tears.
I watch a movie about overcoming difficult situations, and I cry. I watch a movie about love and I cry. I watch a movie about struggling children and I cry. Just about any song I hear, I cry. I mow the lawn, I cook dinner, I climb in bed, I go to church, it doesn't matter what I do, it all reminds me of him and how much I miss us, so I cry. The worst was driving to the attorneys office. It took me twice as long to get there because I had to pull over three times. I was so hysterical I could no longer drive.
My heart actually, physically hurts. I have never felt such incredible pain in my life. It feels as though someone is continuously stabbing my chest with a knife, sending radiating pains from my heart through the rest of my body. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach and sometimes it makes me gag. When I think about the two of them together I almost vomit.
In one of the books I read there was a Holocaust survivor that moved to America and married. Her husband left her for another woman and she said that was the worst pain she had ever felt. For some reason this gives me comfort. I suppose it's knowing that my wounds are not relative to my lack of experience with loss.
I look in the eyes of our beautiful girls and pray for them. Their pain is deep as well. I think they could handle their Dad leaving but dealing with another woman is just so much for them. It's just too much for all of us. It is another scar all of its own. It creates a feeling of abandonment within them.
Sorry there is not much encouragement within this post. However, perhaps encouragement can be found within the knowledge that others experience this and live through it. I am thankful to everyone that has reached out to me, offered and given their support and love. I am thankful to those of you that have shared your personal experiences. Your stories give me hope that the purpose of this blog is being achieved and my heart being out there, for all to see, is not in vain. I am also thankful that in a few small ways God has blessed us financially and these have added up to a huge blessing. I am thankful that we are able to agree on pretty much everything as far as housing and funds. I try to find the blessings between the tears. Please pray for me that God clearly direct me and give me the strength to continue to be his light. I would also be very grateful if the tears would subside, even just a bit. :)
This scripture is hanging in my home and it was given to me twice this week by two separate people. I wanted to share it with you as well.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Amen to that! JR
Dear JR, was this your last post on June 27? How are y97 doing now? I have been through the same thing, and my husband and I have been in recovery for about 5 years. I can understand why maybe you wouldn't want to write since June - I stopped writing because life was too overwhelming and I was in basic survival mode. That's ok. Just take care of yourself. We don't have much perspective when we're in the middle of the pain, which also made it impossible for me to write. I promise you, you will get through it with God. It will get better. You will see how God brings beauty, healing and redemption into your life over time. But it is a long journey of daily faith.
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