Can't Stop Crying

     I have been reading several books on adultery recovery and divorce as well as hearing stories in support group. Everyone seems to have similar experiences with the ups and downs of their emotions. I have to say, it feels like a roller coaster ride. Especially, when he is just as confused and cannot seem to make up his mind about anything either. It seems like we come to some kind of, I don't know, something, and then it all changes. What an emotional disaster when you have two very confused people that love each other so deeply. So I cry. I am surprised I am not dehydrated by now! Maybe if I become dehydrated I can have some relief from the uncontrollable tears.
     I watch a movie about overcoming difficult situations, and I cry. I watch a movie about love and I cry. I watch a movie about struggling children and I cry. Just about any song I hear, I cry. I mow the lawn, I cook dinner, I climb in bed, I go to church, it doesn't matter what I do, it all reminds me of him and how much I miss us, so I cry. The worst was driving to the attorneys office. It took me twice as long to get there because I had to pull over three times. I was so hysterical I could no longer drive.
     My heart actually, physically hurts. I have never felt such incredible pain in my life. It feels as though someone is continuously stabbing my chest with a knife, sending radiating pains from my heart through the rest of my body. Sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach and sometimes it makes me gag. When I think about the two of them together I almost vomit.
     In one of the books I read there was a Holocaust survivor that moved to America and married. Her husband left her for another woman and she said that was the worst pain she had ever felt. For some reason this gives me comfort. I suppose it's knowing that my wounds are not relative to my lack of experience with loss.
     I look in the eyes of our beautiful girls and pray for them. Their pain is deep as well. I think they could handle their Dad leaving but dealing with another woman is just so much for them. It's just too much for all of us. It is another scar all of its own. It creates a feeling of abandonment within them.
     Sorry there is not much encouragement within this post. However, perhaps encouragement can be found within the knowledge that others experience this and live through it. I am thankful to everyone that has reached out to me, offered and given their support and love. I am thankful to those of you that have shared your personal experiences. Your stories give me hope that the purpose of this blog is being achieved and my heart being out there, for all to see, is not in vain. I am also thankful that in a few small ways God has blessed us financially and these have added up to a huge blessing. I am thankful that we are able to agree on pretty much everything as far as housing and funds. I try to find the blessings between the tears. Please pray for me that God clearly direct me and give me the strength to continue to be his light. I would also be very grateful if the tears would subside, even just a bit. :)
     This scripture is hanging in my home and it was given to me twice this week by two separate people. I wanted to share it with you as well.
Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Amen to that! JR

Justification and Blame

     Justification and blame seem to have played hand and hand on both sides throughout the past five weeks. So it got me thinking. Are our actions ever justified? Is the adultery justified due to hurt received from the marriage? Is bad behavior justified because of the adultery? I certainly try to find justification for some of my actions but is that what God wants me to be doing?
     The questions and journey began after a culmination of events leading up to my leaving the hospital after surgery a couple weeks ago. Emotions were shared, promises were made and broken  and I left the hospital feeling extremely vulnerable, both because of this and the doses of pain killers. With that said, I behaved badly, worse than badly, violently! I found myself out of control and throwing soda cans as we are driving down the highway. Where did my self control go? I had completely lost it and I am not joking. I am screaming, "You promised me you would make that call and end this craziness," and "Drop me off here." Thank you God he did not. I would have been stuck on the side of the road unable to walk from the surgery. After showing compassion for his pain from the beginning of discovery, what happened? I guess I had had enough of the back and forth game. So, I ask myself, are my actions justified? No. Jesus tells us to love even our enemies, then it is no question that we are expected to show the same towards the ones we love. Jesus demonstrated this kind of love for us when he died on the cross. I was convicted of my actions pretty quickly and made amends with him and God.
     Then I started asking questions.
     I first started with the definitions of these words.
Justification- Show to be just, right
Blame- accuse of being at fault
     This has turned out to be more in depth than I thought but here is what I have been given so far. In order for someone to find themselves "just" they must judge another persons actions. If I made excuses,  by listing all the reasons why I did what I did, then I would essentially be saying that his actions were worse than mine and that it was ok to act that way. That would be a human measuring stick against sin and not a Godly one. God is the only one that has the ability to judge and decide what is just. So the question I am working on now is how would God have wanted me to react? Obviously not like I did.
Isn't it a challenge sometimes to draw hard boundary lines and still show the love of Christ?


Forgiveness lies in repentance.
"Even now," declares the Lord,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning."
Joel 2:12

Anyone have any Biblical insights into this subject?

Thanks- JR

My First Post: The Rawness and Reality of Adultery

     Well, I have done it. I have set up a blog and started sharing my experience with the hopes that it will help in my recovery and help others that are struggling as well. The thought of sharing such intimate thoughts with others has my heart leaping out of my chest, although that is pretty much where it has been for four weeks and five days now. That is when I found out that my husband, my childhood sweetheart and the love of my life was having an affair.
     Most days I think to myself, "He has lost his mind!" I really do believe this to be true. The fact that she is 17 years younger than him and that he admits that he doesn't love her, makes me think, mid-life crisis. I am not sure that this really matters to me or not. Most days I am aware that I have so many emotions swirling around that I cannot seem to put my finger on what I am feeling, except when anger shows its ugly face. The anger is the worst when the kids are concerned. It must be the "momma hen" that comes out. The reality of the situation is, he only has so much time to share. He barely had time before and now that "she" is in the picture, he has even less. So, who suffers? Who loses their time? The kids! This drives me crazy and my heart breaks for these girls. They are not use to having a "crazy" father. They had an awesome dad, until 4 weeks ago.
     So what motivates me to get out of bed these days? Sometimes, nothing. I am still here and that is because I am turning to my Bible, my faith and my Lord Jesus. He is my new lover. Every night before I climb in our "marriage bed" I ask Jesus if we can go to bed now. I can see him lying next to me and on most nights, holding me as I cry. He is now my best friend, my confidant, my advisor, my guide and on most days I can feel him carrying me through the day, literally helping me to put one foot in front of the other. That is how I became crazy for Christ. I figure if I start tucking him at night I might have a REAL problem. :)
     We were at church last Sunday and my 13 year old looks over at me worshipping and says, "Mom, you are so crazy." I answered, "crazy for Christ!" That is how our business started, those simple words and a longing for new beginnings.

     My friend gave me this scripture and it is quite suitable for our, now, family of three.
"Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Ecclesiastes 4:12